Quotes from Pilot
Mike: You know, Ed, they have these things now for moving. What are they called? Oh yeah, boxes.
Ed: No they don't. Hey, Mike, I've been thinking, you know, I really want to pay you guys rent.
Mike: There's no way we're taking your money.
Ed: I know. That's why I offered.
Ed: This is all very bad.
Molly: Okay, class, first one to faint gets a lollipop.
Ed: Ed came home.
Mike: I want that man to die. Think he'll die soon, Wendy?
Phil: Fill the place with whores.
Ed: Excuse me?
Phil: I know what you're thinking, too sleazy, but I'm talking about nice, friendly, singing kind of whores. Like in the Dolly Parton movie. These are real down-home, wholesome, Disney-looking whores. This is fun for the whole family.
Ed: Okay, no, that's one idea, prostitutes. Good, got it, moving on. Yes, Kenny.
Kenny: I think he may have something there. If there were two bowling alleys, exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores, I'd patronize the one with the whores.
Phil: Thanks, man.
Ed: You know how you go to a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.
Mike: Ed, you're hogging my baby. Get one of your own.
Ed: See, this is what a marriage should be.
Mike: What, two people who never have sex?
Nancy: Mike, I just had a baby.
Mike: Four months ago, honey. At some point the store's gotta re-open for business or else it could lose customers.
Mike: We've just been served sarcastic sandwiches.
Molly: I need lawyer.
Ed: Then you've come to the right bowling alley.
Ed: If you're not born with the broad shoulders and the strong jaw then there's only one way to get the girl. You make a complete ass out of yourself.
Ed: Look what I've done here today, I'm adorable.
Ed: Uh, Carol, you remember the guy in the suit of armor?
Carol: Yeah.
Ed: That was me.
Carol: I know.
Ed: Same guy.
Carol: I know.
Ed: Okay, just making sure.
Ed: I can't believe I'm gonna do this. I... I'm about to say something which could ruin what has been, up to now, a near perfect date.
Carol: Near perfect?
Ed: I thought the onion loaf was a little soggy.
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